I have been sent an angel, 16 yrs ago the 26th

Thoughts Become Things...the universe

By the simple act of thinking, Erika, vortexes are created, invisible energies are applied, and circumstances begin creeping to make real what was previously just imagined. This supernatural pull of your thoughts continues long after you think them, whenever there follows intent, expectation and action; moving mountains, parting rivers, and doing the "impossible" until there is the inevitable manifestation.

This is how your "thoughts becoming things." How they physically become things in a dimension that already exists, with billions of players and massive momentum. Not by appearing out of thin air, but through a manipulation of such forces in the unseen that literally begin shifting, morphing, and arranging all of the elements in your life so as to deliver to you the nearest equivalent of what you've been thinking. In other words, the "law of attraction."

"Thoughts becoming things" explains the law of attraction. It's why there is a law of attraction. And unlike any other 3 words in all the vocabularies of all the languages in the world, "thoughts become things" tells you exactly where you fit into the picture, as the thinker, the decision maker over what you will think about, revealing your power as a supernatural, all powerful, unlimited, CREATOR.

But, of course, many prefer not to think of themselves as so phenomenally powerful.

The Universe


I love these notes and they are so on target most the time...seems so strange but almost always they are right where I am and just what I need at the time...

Erika

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Today I dance...

You can "dance" with the illusions of time and space, Erika, choosing your "steps" based upon things and events as they now are, or you can dance with your dreams, choosing your "steps" based upon things and events as they will be.

And I bet you can guess which steps will perpetuate today's illusions, and which ones will change everything...

The Universe

Two goals met- I drove today...yay

I have another blog and that blog is focused on my journey through my fears, especially my fear and phobia of driving and so that one is a bit more lengthy on the subject. This blog is a bit more general where I express other aspects of my journey to trusting God. I am excited, I actually accomplished my small goals today. I drove, not very far but I did do it and I will do it again tomorrow in very small steps. I have much to work on but I feel determined and as long as I keep taking actions and steps towards these small goals I will move forward and perhaps I am becoming that which I hope to be. I don't have big dreams right now, it is enough that I have any dreams at all and that I am focused on staying in the solution to achieve them. It isn't easy but it is the only way that I may become all that I hope to be...mostly free, someone that trusts and loves God, someone with courage, someone that gives and brings to others and someone that loves and is loved. These are my dreams today and just for today in this moment- this is enough. That is a miracle

The First Step and Writing my own script....

I have decided that I will write my own script rather than waiting for someone else to do it(which is highly unlikely) and rather than allowing the script to write itself completely. I do have some power and with that power comes responsibility for myself and my actions.

The first step....the story and theme of my life is the first step. Along with the first step "powerless etc..." there is a first step in many areas. I am choosing to not wait until tomorrow, but to start today. The first step in a "clean house" means that I have to take the action in order to have a "clean house." That is where my day begins- today I am cleaning house. I want my home to be a reflection of my inner and outer self and while that is true at the moment- complete disarray and chaos...I have to power and resources to change this and so I am today and my home will be inviting and safe and warm. YAY!

The next first step in overcoming my fear of driving is to set small attainable goals in which I can succeed. No matter how small it is in the willingness and action to set them and follow through that I may eventually reach the end goal. So today in addition to a clean house...I am going to go outside and into the truck and sit in the drivers seat and turn on the ignition. I will sit there for at least 15 minutes and become comfortable with the vehicle and I will do this each day until I am able to actually move the vehicle. Maybe even next weekend I can have a friend or my stepdad take me to the parking lot and drive around there..but that is getting to far ahead..for today I will take small action and accept that it is where I am at today. I will accept that it is okay to be where I am and who I am today. I will report back on both these goals for the day. (as if people are reading this lol)

And finally my last goal for the day is to go to a meeting and stay sober- actually that is my first goal but I didn't write it till last....so it ends up at the bottom of the list.

I have already meditated this morning and prayed and so two goals are already met. Good stuff..I am sure I will do more praying and meditation throughout the day...

Nightmares and Late night phonecalls

I am awake and 3:41am. After an hour or more of meditation last night I fell asleep finally only to awake a few moments ago by this very strange nightmare. Most of what I remember of it was that these insect like things attacked my hands and dug pincher like things into my fingers and would not let go the pain excruciating. I can actually physically still feel the sensation right now as I type.

After I awoke I hear the familiar vibration of my cellphone and oh how I had hoped it was someone different than who it was. Of course it wasn't and so I promptly deleted the frickin number. Part of me wanted to answer, but tonight and this morning I am choosing something different. I want a better life a real life with value, I life where I am grateful and giving and answering that phone will not allow for such a life.

Goodnight again....and thank you Universe....

The struggle...

I really don't know if I am going to make it. How does one choose and keep choosing determination? I am just unsure right now. I have never felt so lonely and I keep reaching and reaching and praying...and going to meetings and actually speaking and sharing at them and yet here I am in a place of unsureness and of little willingness at the moment. I am ungrateful and selfish and full of self pity and I have got to change this or I will die...really I will die...and I don't want to die this person that I am right now without making peace with others and with God and with myself...I want to wrong my rights I want to overcome these fears, I don't want to die the person I have been or the person I am right now...so I am begging God for the courage to continue trudging for the willingness to take action and just for the ability to be and stay sober for the night....I have got to stay sober or I will never have a change at something different and yet the quick fix is what I desire short term....am I that lazy and selfish that I would turn my back on God and on those few that truly care....just today just today I want to make it and I want to create a better life...tomorrow I want to drive I want to take steps to overcoming my biggest fear even if it is just a very small step like putting that key in the ignition and sitting in the drivers seat...I have got to start somewhere or I will remain stuck and I am tired of this life...I want to be near God I want to be loving and give...

The Heart of the Matter...Forgiveness....

"2am love sick blues....."

So it is nearly two am and I am still awake..why am I driving myself crazy...why am I sad and why am I angry and why won't it just go away.....uhg...tomorrow I will laugh and the day will be brighter and I will live a positive attitude and attract love and emit love and I am determined to be okay. I am determined to live life and to put myself out there and meet others and really be enough if only for myself and God and that is what matters most.

However the good news is that right now on TV there is some really good music and it is actually putting my in a positive space..."she said I don't know if I've been really loved....by a hand thats touched me....."

So okay I just broke out in song on a blog..call me crazy...

I am going to pray and try to get some sleep so that tomorrow I can be okay and put my best foot forward and my brightest face on...

Letting Go with Grace...

"I'm gonna smile my best smile...."
"I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style..."

Those and many more lyrics race through my mind...been listening to music a lot lately and unfortunately ..thinking a lot lately...

I suppose I am finally at the letting go point..guess that it isn't as simple as a point or as quick..but I think that it is time to let go of that which was never mine..it is time to let go of trying to hold on...it is time to mourn..completely grieve the loss that I feel for so very many things..it's time to "water my own rose" time to cry the tears I have been holding in and back and time as Jim said to go sit in the corner alone and afraid and feel what I don't want to feel and accept that which I don't want to accept and feel it in my very core, the bottom of my soul....and wake up tomorrow, pray, go to work and be a grown up and go to a meeting and be a grown up and just keep "faking it till I make it"....I don't want to "move on" I don't want to "get over this" but I have to- I am powerless and it isn't my choice. I can't make someone love me that doesn't want to love me and I can't make someone be my friend when they don't want to be or aren't ready for that. I have to be considerate of them and honor and respect them and as much as this hurts it is the right thing to do....to truly act with love...again being loving and truly loving someone doesn't mean that I expect something in return. Oh yes, I want that but that isn't what it is about. It is about what I can bring and it would appear that right now I have little to "bring to the table" and that maybe the table wasn't meant for me...maybe the table is to be shared with another...regardless I must act loving to myself and others...so tonight I cry....alone and lonely...and full of grief that I haven't felt in years....

Good Monday Morning

Well it is a monday and I am getting ready for work. I actually slept well last night, better than I have slept in weeks and I am very grateful. I am also grateful I was able to talk to a friend last night about some concerns that I am experiencing.

This morning I woke up and prayed. I prayed for the ability to focus on what I can bring to life rather than what I can take from situations. I really need to keep focus on positive and good things- no matter what. I have been praying a lot and I believe it is helping..it usually does. Today, after work I need to find a mtg to get to...suppose I will take the bus since I am having a hard time getting a hold of many people...either way I am grateful and committed to doing the next right thing regardless of what others do...it will all work out.

So tired but I can't sleep

At least not without vivid nightmares waking me up. Crazy.

Saddened

So tonight I am very saddened...most the time I feel as though I was responsible in most ways for the demise of my most recent relationship and quite frankly any relationship I have ever had...but some things have been brought to my attention that make me realize that though mostly I am responsible and could have behaved very differently maybe it wasn't all my paranoiaa maybe there was some truth to it...
Even if there was truth in some of it though, that does not excuse my actions. I really can't focus on anyone but myself and that is the ultimate truth. Regardless of anyone elses behavior- I am responsible for my own.

I wish I could speak to this person, but maybe it is best that I don't. I have got to get myself together, because I don't ever ever want to go through this again nor do I want to create another situation like this.

I have got to throw myself into helping others and into recovery. It is that simple and if I do that then I think everything will work out even if it isn't how I thought or the way I really had hoped for.

I spent the night at a family friends last night. I lay awake till 4am listening to chaos in the above apartment and being very grateful that I don't have to choose chaos for myself. I just can't seem to make myself move fast enough - but maybe that is my timeframe and not Gods. I need to really deepen my relationship with God that is the only true relationship I will ever have. I need to deepen my faith and trust and it is only by action that I can and will be able to do this.

I reach out and it seems like maybe I could make some better choices regarding that, and maybe in order to reach out I need to become and be someone that can be reached. I feel very much in fear right now, more so than I have felt in a week or more and I am very frightened.....not so much of being alone...frightened of choosing aloneness rather than risk.

God, at times I wish I could rewind the clock and do things differently in so many areas of my life. All I can do is from this moment on become the person that God wants me to be...and I don't even know who that is exactly. I have a good idea and I know what God doesn't want me to be...as I am right now- a bit self pittying and in grief. I feel more alone than I have felt in years, it is reminiscent of a life that I previously led - then I didn't even know I was lonely and feeling alone...now I am hyper aware and I just gotta make sure that I continue to foster the positive messages rather than the negative...

My committment tonight...no matter how dark and long...is to pray and meditate and attract love....I can make it through...I know I can. All I have to do is make it through tonight...that is not impossible...

Goodnight

Sometimes I wonder if it was ever real? Then I read the notes from the Universe....what is real anyways.....everything changes and so with prayer and action this too shall change...I laugh fairly often and have been getting out of myself and that seems to help...today i even had a thought that just maybe "God" does have a plan and maybe it was better than I had ever hoped my plan to be....this letting go may be the best thing that I have chosen to do...I have made that choice becuase I can't hold onto that which doesn't want held..and not so sure that it was all I "thought" it was anyways...several people have really been helpful in gaining some perspective and it is what it is and my God and I know the truth and regardless I can give it to God and pray for others.....I haven't harmed myself or others this week and for that I am grateful and tired. I have honored myself and others and been respectful...and that counts for something even if only for me...

I love my family and friends and am grateful to them...I think I will Christmas shop this weekend and it will be a good weekend...

"Pretending is the Master's ultimate sport, Erika. "

"It's not that dream worlds are born when you think new thoughts, but that real worlds are. And right now, this very moment, Erika, you live and breathe in each of them, thinking the others are only pretend, temporary, and fleeting.Yet in the world of your wildest dreams, Erika, there is one profound difference between it and all of the others. In the world of your wildest dreams, alone, you remember how on this day, reading this very NOTE, you decided to begin seeing the life that then surrounded you as pretend, temporary, and fleeting. Love you, The Universe"

My note from the Universe.....these things are so strange and most the time completely right on and right on time......

Now I am off to get ready, and get across town to the doctors and then to get back to work...I am choosing to trust God today. I am committed to allowing God to work in my life and I will draw on GOd and reach out to gain strength....

Bummed

So lately I have had a good attitude. It comes from acting in ways that honor myself and doing the right actions no matter what...but tonight I am bummed...realized their was a concert I would have loved to have gone to and well I missed it...and really I don't know that I would have wanted to go by myself or with anyone else..on another note I have found two new musicians that I really really like Joss Stone and Brandi Carlile....it is good to listen to music again it helps me along with everything else that helps me....

I go to the doctor tomorrow and am actually a bit anxious....I need solutions and though God is ultimately the solution sometimes it seems I need extra help and I think I am a bit ashamed of that to be honest. I don't know if medication will help--tired of medication- but I am tired of not living even more....weird how tonights meeting was on medication and the value of doctors etc and the value of working the steps in combination with that....

Overall I am making more friends and reaching out and I laugh and smile and when I awake panicked I remember that trusting God is an action and no matter what I must take that action and usually the fear subsides....

The reality is that I am sad. I don't want to be sad, but I am and I suppose I need to accept that and just make it through. Thank God I don't have to do it alone anymore....I am finding other ways to keep busy and other interests that help and most of all I am willing to change me and do whatever it takes to not ever have to feel this way again...the promises say we will not regret the past...don't know about that...but I know I don't have to ever repeat it again and that is comfort enough. I am grateful I have many in my life that love me no matter what and that help and that I am finally able to help them and be of service to them and that is where it is at....

It is funny that my word of the day is incongruous: lacking in harmony. It is strange that the "universe" sent the message it did today....and the point is I am going to be okay and as long as I keep it up than there is a chance to at least- live and to at least not harm further...what more can I ask for - I am alive and a miracle and I want to choose life and God and love and giving....

Goodnight...world...goodnight universe....and thank you God for allowing me to have "feelings" and for the courage and wisdom to know.....

Good Morning

Another day and night lived..and not lived badly and in panic. I woke up prayed and meditated and now am getting ready for my day. Thank God I have had busy days and because I have been reaching out I have had people that I am able to speak with when it isn't so easy...I want to change and grow. I want to be the best I can be and have a full life no matter what. I want to smile and meet others and if I can bring nothing else maybe share a smile, laughter or a kind word....it is important that I keep focused and that my thoughts remain positive. I hope to be a ray of light rather than darkness that sucks life out of people. I am sorry I have hurt others...really sorry..and I grieve for the wrongs I have done- but I am determined to reach the other side....I am going to reach the other side no matter what.

Another day and night

For the past few days I have been meditating in the morning and at night. Along with prayer, reaching out and going to meetings...I believe there is hope. I have been acting in a way that is much better and honors me as well as others. Everyone deserves to be honored and their wishes respected. In truly loving another, there feelings - wants and needs should be important..and I really someone. The reward and selfishness, however, is that it also allows me to feel better and to know that I am doing the next right thing. I am loving myself by not allowing fear so much control and I am growing closer to others and God becuase I am acting "trusting."

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I refuse to make situations any worse and so I am willing to do what that takes and willing to ask for help and willing to take actions necessary for myself. I hate harming others and when I harm others it harms me, when I harm myself it harms others.....and that is the cycle that I want free from. Only I have the power to change my actions and allow God to help me. I finally want to help myself again... I am able to laugh and be more present and my mind is a bit quieter. I do wake up at times in complete horror and panic, but I pray and talk to someone about it so that way I am trusting God and not doing what I have always done and that is to avoid fear....everything in my life has to be an action....everything...not only feelings but actions that empower me and others....I want to bring rather than always take.

I am learning. The only way not to regress is to move forward....and resisting makes it more painful. I am grateful tonight

Feeling ill

I am tired and not feeling so well, but I will take actions regardless of my feelings. I have been praying non stop and meditating and doing those things that I have been told to do. I am following direction and I am willing. This pain is to great not to be. I want to fix what I have broken and I can't..but one day I can attempt to right the wrongs and today I can do things that will not make the situations in my life...today I am choosing to suit up and show up no matter what...I want God, to be sober, and to treat others well...oh yeah and to drive..and I am making progress towards all of that moment by moment

Today

Today I am turning my life over to you God. I am going to do your will. Today I will pray when I have difficulty and pray when I am doing well. Today I need your help to get through. I need your help to love, comfort and understand rather than to be loved, comforted and understood. Today I choose to have a better attitude with your help and to treat myself and others well. Today I commit to staying sober, to praying, to seeking your connection. Please remove me of the bondage of self so that I may better do your will....I need you God and I want to be needed by you to contribute to this world. Thank you for loving me especially when it is hard loving myself.

Dear God,

Dear God,
I need your help as I have so many times. If I am honest you have always been there, but I am not allowing myself to feel you and I have not been doing your will and as a result I have really gotten myself into an extreme amount of pain. I can deal with my pain God but as you know I harm others and I cannot continue to do so...should I continue I will die and I will die never having made right any of my wrongs, I will die never having trusted you enough to overcome my fears and truly live. The distance has been my straying, the struggle has been in not being honest with myself and others. I want to attract your love and forgiveness God. I want to be willing no matter what. I want to trudge and work hard God so that I may be able to help others, show kindness and love. I don't allow myself to be loved God, but I need to be loved by you, I need to love you. I don't know if I can do this, but I know if I don't do this than my life will be tragic and meaningless. Help me make it through tonight and in the morning I will pray again. Help me be an adult and get through the day and do the next right thing. Dear God please relieve any and all obsessions that block me from the sunlight of your spirit. Allow me to be present and to be helpful and allow me a brief respite so that I may do my very best in all areas tomorrow. I need your strength. I surrender to you God I surrender to my powerlessness and I am choosing to believe that I may be restored to sanity again.....Thank you God for all the people that love me. Thank you for showing me that I must change. Thank you for the gift of being loved by h3r if only shortly. Thank you for my parents, grandparents, friends. Thank you for Jamie. Thank you for my job and thank you for my life....if it weren't for you I would be dead and would never have the opportunity to contribute to life. Give me your purpose and help me follow it and stay on this path.

God Please Help Me

God please help me is the classic prayer, I rarely pray that unless I am willing to take some action and I am.....If I don't stay sober I will never change and I will throw away any chance of making my wrongs right or at least truly owning up to them...