Saturday, December 8, 2007

The struggle...

I really don't know if I am going to make it. How does one choose and keep choosing determination? I am just unsure right now. I have never felt so lonely and I keep reaching and reaching and praying...and going to meetings and actually speaking and sharing at them and yet here I am in a place of unsureness and of little willingness at the moment. I am ungrateful and selfish and full of self pity and I have got to change this or I will die...really I will die...and I don't want to die this person that I am right now without making peace with others and with God and with myself...I want to wrong my rights I want to overcome these fears, I don't want to die the person I have been or the person I am right now...so I am begging God for the courage to continue trudging for the willingness to take action and just for the ability to be and stay sober for the night....I have got to stay sober or I will never have a change at something different and yet the quick fix is what I desire short term....am I that lazy and selfish that I would turn my back on God and on those few that truly care....just today just today I want to make it and I want to create a better life...tomorrow I want to drive I want to take steps to overcoming my biggest fear even if it is just a very small step like putting that key in the ignition and sitting in the drivers seat...I have got to start somewhere or I will remain stuck and I am tired of this life...I want to be near God I want to be loving and give...

1 comment:

poysin1vy said...

Hey, Erika, I feel your pain. Right now, I'm a bit confused myself. I want to continue doing the right thing; I don't like the consequences of the contrary --- but it's sooo hard! Lately, the thought that I could handle myself better next time - has been a huge thought ... that "great obsession". Anyways, I don't know what tomorrow will hold --- I'm just trying to stay sober today.