Monday, December 3, 2007

Letting Go with Grace...

"I'm gonna smile my best smile...."
"I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style..."

Those and many more lyrics race through my mind...been listening to music a lot lately and unfortunately ..thinking a lot lately...

I suppose I am finally at the letting go point..guess that it isn't as simple as a point or as quick..but I think that it is time to let go of that which was never mine..it is time to let go of trying to hold on...it is time to mourn..completely grieve the loss that I feel for so very many things..it's time to "water my own rose" time to cry the tears I have been holding in and back and time as Jim said to go sit in the corner alone and afraid and feel what I don't want to feel and accept that which I don't want to accept and feel it in my very core, the bottom of my soul....and wake up tomorrow, pray, go to work and be a grown up and go to a meeting and be a grown up and just keep "faking it till I make it"....I don't want to "move on" I don't want to "get over this" but I have to- I am powerless and it isn't my choice. I can't make someone love me that doesn't want to love me and I can't make someone be my friend when they don't want to be or aren't ready for that. I have to be considerate of them and honor and respect them and as much as this hurts it is the right thing to do....to truly act with love...again being loving and truly loving someone doesn't mean that I expect something in return. Oh yes, I want that but that isn't what it is about. It is about what I can bring and it would appear that right now I have little to "bring to the table" and that maybe the table wasn't meant for me...maybe the table is to be shared with another...regardless I must act loving to myself and others...so tonight I cry....alone and lonely...and full of grief that I haven't felt in years....

No comments: