Goodnight

Sometimes I wonder if it was ever real? Then I read the notes from the Universe....what is real anyways.....everything changes and so with prayer and action this too shall change...I laugh fairly often and have been getting out of myself and that seems to help...today i even had a thought that just maybe "God" does have a plan and maybe it was better than I had ever hoped my plan to be....this letting go may be the best thing that I have chosen to do...I have made that choice becuase I can't hold onto that which doesn't want held..and not so sure that it was all I "thought" it was anyways...several people have really been helpful in gaining some perspective and it is what it is and my God and I know the truth and regardless I can give it to God and pray for others.....I haven't harmed myself or others this week and for that I am grateful and tired. I have honored myself and others and been respectful...and that counts for something even if only for me...

I love my family and friends and am grateful to them...I think I will Christmas shop this weekend and it will be a good weekend...

"Pretending is the Master's ultimate sport, Erika. "

"It's not that dream worlds are born when you think new thoughts, but that real worlds are. And right now, this very moment, Erika, you live and breathe in each of them, thinking the others are only pretend, temporary, and fleeting.Yet in the world of your wildest dreams, Erika, there is one profound difference between it and all of the others. In the world of your wildest dreams, alone, you remember how on this day, reading this very NOTE, you decided to begin seeing the life that then surrounded you as pretend, temporary, and fleeting. Love you, The Universe"

My note from the Universe.....these things are so strange and most the time completely right on and right on time......

Now I am off to get ready, and get across town to the doctors and then to get back to work...I am choosing to trust God today. I am committed to allowing God to work in my life and I will draw on GOd and reach out to gain strength....

Bummed

So lately I have had a good attitude. It comes from acting in ways that honor myself and doing the right actions no matter what...but tonight I am bummed...realized their was a concert I would have loved to have gone to and well I missed it...and really I don't know that I would have wanted to go by myself or with anyone else..on another note I have found two new musicians that I really really like Joss Stone and Brandi Carlile....it is good to listen to music again it helps me along with everything else that helps me....

I go to the doctor tomorrow and am actually a bit anxious....I need solutions and though God is ultimately the solution sometimes it seems I need extra help and I think I am a bit ashamed of that to be honest. I don't know if medication will help--tired of medication- but I am tired of not living even more....weird how tonights meeting was on medication and the value of doctors etc and the value of working the steps in combination with that....

Overall I am making more friends and reaching out and I laugh and smile and when I awake panicked I remember that trusting God is an action and no matter what I must take that action and usually the fear subsides....

The reality is that I am sad. I don't want to be sad, but I am and I suppose I need to accept that and just make it through. Thank God I don't have to do it alone anymore....I am finding other ways to keep busy and other interests that help and most of all I am willing to change me and do whatever it takes to not ever have to feel this way again...the promises say we will not regret the past...don't know about that...but I know I don't have to ever repeat it again and that is comfort enough. I am grateful I have many in my life that love me no matter what and that help and that I am finally able to help them and be of service to them and that is where it is at....

It is funny that my word of the day is incongruous: lacking in harmony. It is strange that the "universe" sent the message it did today....and the point is I am going to be okay and as long as I keep it up than there is a chance to at least- live and to at least not harm further...what more can I ask for - I am alive and a miracle and I want to choose life and God and love and giving....

Goodnight...world...goodnight universe....and thank you God for allowing me to have "feelings" and for the courage and wisdom to know.....

Good Morning

Another day and night lived..and not lived badly and in panic. I woke up prayed and meditated and now am getting ready for my day. Thank God I have had busy days and because I have been reaching out I have had people that I am able to speak with when it isn't so easy...I want to change and grow. I want to be the best I can be and have a full life no matter what. I want to smile and meet others and if I can bring nothing else maybe share a smile, laughter or a kind word....it is important that I keep focused and that my thoughts remain positive. I hope to be a ray of light rather than darkness that sucks life out of people. I am sorry I have hurt others...really sorry..and I grieve for the wrongs I have done- but I am determined to reach the other side....I am going to reach the other side no matter what.

Another day and night

For the past few days I have been meditating in the morning and at night. Along with prayer, reaching out and going to meetings...I believe there is hope. I have been acting in a way that is much better and honors me as well as others. Everyone deserves to be honored and their wishes respected. In truly loving another, there feelings - wants and needs should be important..and I really someone. The reward and selfishness, however, is that it also allows me to feel better and to know that I am doing the next right thing. I am loving myself by not allowing fear so much control and I am growing closer to others and God becuase I am acting "trusting."

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I refuse to make situations any worse and so I am willing to do what that takes and willing to ask for help and willing to take actions necessary for myself. I hate harming others and when I harm others it harms me, when I harm myself it harms others.....and that is the cycle that I want free from. Only I have the power to change my actions and allow God to help me. I finally want to help myself again... I am able to laugh and be more present and my mind is a bit quieter. I do wake up at times in complete horror and panic, but I pray and talk to someone about it so that way I am trusting God and not doing what I have always done and that is to avoid fear....everything in my life has to be an action....everything...not only feelings but actions that empower me and others....I want to bring rather than always take.

I am learning. The only way not to regress is to move forward....and resisting makes it more painful. I am grateful tonight

Feeling ill

I am tired and not feeling so well, but I will take actions regardless of my feelings. I have been praying non stop and meditating and doing those things that I have been told to do. I am following direction and I am willing. This pain is to great not to be. I want to fix what I have broken and I can't..but one day I can attempt to right the wrongs and today I can do things that will not make the situations in my life...today I am choosing to suit up and show up no matter what...I want God, to be sober, and to treat others well...oh yeah and to drive..and I am making progress towards all of that moment by moment

Today

Today I am turning my life over to you God. I am going to do your will. Today I will pray when I have difficulty and pray when I am doing well. Today I need your help to get through. I need your help to love, comfort and understand rather than to be loved, comforted and understood. Today I choose to have a better attitude with your help and to treat myself and others well. Today I commit to staying sober, to praying, to seeking your connection. Please remove me of the bondage of self so that I may better do your will....I need you God and I want to be needed by you to contribute to this world. Thank you for loving me especially when it is hard loving myself.

Dear God,

Dear God,
I need your help as I have so many times. If I am honest you have always been there, but I am not allowing myself to feel you and I have not been doing your will and as a result I have really gotten myself into an extreme amount of pain. I can deal with my pain God but as you know I harm others and I cannot continue to do so...should I continue I will die and I will die never having made right any of my wrongs, I will die never having trusted you enough to overcome my fears and truly live. The distance has been my straying, the struggle has been in not being honest with myself and others. I want to attract your love and forgiveness God. I want to be willing no matter what. I want to trudge and work hard God so that I may be able to help others, show kindness and love. I don't allow myself to be loved God, but I need to be loved by you, I need to love you. I don't know if I can do this, but I know if I don't do this than my life will be tragic and meaningless. Help me make it through tonight and in the morning I will pray again. Help me be an adult and get through the day and do the next right thing. Dear God please relieve any and all obsessions that block me from the sunlight of your spirit. Allow me to be present and to be helpful and allow me a brief respite so that I may do my very best in all areas tomorrow. I need your strength. I surrender to you God I surrender to my powerlessness and I am choosing to believe that I may be restored to sanity again.....Thank you God for all the people that love me. Thank you for showing me that I must change. Thank you for the gift of being loved by h3r if only shortly. Thank you for my parents, grandparents, friends. Thank you for Jamie. Thank you for my job and thank you for my life....if it weren't for you I would be dead and would never have the opportunity to contribute to life. Give me your purpose and help me follow it and stay on this path.

God Please Help Me

God please help me is the classic prayer, I rarely pray that unless I am willing to take some action and I am.....If I don't stay sober I will never change and I will throw away any chance of making my wrongs right or at least truly owning up to them...