Bummed

So lately I have had a good attitude. It comes from acting in ways that honor myself and doing the right actions no matter what...but tonight I am bummed...realized their was a concert I would have loved to have gone to and well I missed it...and really I don't know that I would have wanted to go by myself or with anyone else..on another note I have found two new musicians that I really really like Joss Stone and Brandi Carlile....it is good to listen to music again it helps me along with everything else that helps me....

I go to the doctor tomorrow and am actually a bit anxious....I need solutions and though God is ultimately the solution sometimes it seems I need extra help and I think I am a bit ashamed of that to be honest. I don't know if medication will help--tired of medication- but I am tired of not living even more....weird how tonights meeting was on medication and the value of doctors etc and the value of working the steps in combination with that....

Overall I am making more friends and reaching out and I laugh and smile and when I awake panicked I remember that trusting God is an action and no matter what I must take that action and usually the fear subsides....

The reality is that I am sad. I don't want to be sad, but I am and I suppose I need to accept that and just make it through. Thank God I don't have to do it alone anymore....I am finding other ways to keep busy and other interests that help and most of all I am willing to change me and do whatever it takes to not ever have to feel this way again...the promises say we will not regret the past...don't know about that...but I know I don't have to ever repeat it again and that is comfort enough. I am grateful I have many in my life that love me no matter what and that help and that I am finally able to help them and be of service to them and that is where it is at....

It is funny that my word of the day is incongruous: lacking in harmony. It is strange that the "universe" sent the message it did today....and the point is I am going to be okay and as long as I keep it up than there is a chance to at least- live and to at least not harm further...what more can I ask for - I am alive and a miracle and I want to choose life and God and love and giving....

Goodnight...world...goodnight universe....and thank you God for allowing me to have "feelings" and for the courage and wisdom to know.....