Two goals met- I drove today...yay

I have another blog and that blog is focused on my journey through my fears, especially my fear and phobia of driving and so that one is a bit more lengthy on the subject. This blog is a bit more general where I express other aspects of my journey to trusting God. I am excited, I actually accomplished my small goals today. I drove, not very far but I did do it and I will do it again tomorrow in very small steps. I have much to work on but I feel determined and as long as I keep taking actions and steps towards these small goals I will move forward and perhaps I am becoming that which I hope to be. I don't have big dreams right now, it is enough that I have any dreams at all and that I am focused on staying in the solution to achieve them. It isn't easy but it is the only way that I may become all that I hope to be...mostly free, someone that trusts and loves God, someone with courage, someone that gives and brings to others and someone that loves and is loved. These are my dreams today and just for today in this moment- this is enough. That is a miracle

The struggle...

I really don't know if I am going to make it. How does one choose and keep choosing determination? I am just unsure right now. I have never felt so lonely and I keep reaching and reaching and praying...and going to meetings and actually speaking and sharing at them and yet here I am in a place of unsureness and of little willingness at the moment. I am ungrateful and selfish and full of self pity and I have got to change this or I will die...really I will die...and I don't want to die this person that I am right now without making peace with others and with God and with myself...I want to wrong my rights I want to overcome these fears, I don't want to die the person I have been or the person I am right now...so I am begging God for the courage to continue trudging for the willingness to take action and just for the ability to be and stay sober for the night....I have got to stay sober or I will never have a change at something different and yet the quick fix is what I desire short term....am I that lazy and selfish that I would turn my back on God and on those few that truly care....just today just today I want to make it and I want to create a better life...tomorrow I want to drive I want to take steps to overcoming my biggest fear even if it is just a very small step like putting that key in the ignition and sitting in the drivers seat...I have got to start somewhere or I will remain stuck and I am tired of this life...I want to be near God I want to be loving and give...