Saddened

So tonight I am very saddened...most the time I feel as though I was responsible in most ways for the demise of my most recent relationship and quite frankly any relationship I have ever had...but some things have been brought to my attention that make me realize that though mostly I am responsible and could have behaved very differently maybe it wasn't all my paranoiaa maybe there was some truth to it...
Even if there was truth in some of it though, that does not excuse my actions. I really can't focus on anyone but myself and that is the ultimate truth. Regardless of anyone elses behavior- I am responsible for my own.

I wish I could speak to this person, but maybe it is best that I don't. I have got to get myself together, because I don't ever ever want to go through this again nor do I want to create another situation like this.

I have got to throw myself into helping others and into recovery. It is that simple and if I do that then I think everything will work out even if it isn't how I thought or the way I really had hoped for.

I spent the night at a family friends last night. I lay awake till 4am listening to chaos in the above apartment and being very grateful that I don't have to choose chaos for myself. I just can't seem to make myself move fast enough - but maybe that is my timeframe and not Gods. I need to really deepen my relationship with God that is the only true relationship I will ever have. I need to deepen my faith and trust and it is only by action that I can and will be able to do this.

I reach out and it seems like maybe I could make some better choices regarding that, and maybe in order to reach out I need to become and be someone that can be reached. I feel very much in fear right now, more so than I have felt in a week or more and I am very frightened.....not so much of being alone...frightened of choosing aloneness rather than risk.

God, at times I wish I could rewind the clock and do things differently in so many areas of my life. All I can do is from this moment on become the person that God wants me to be...and I don't even know who that is exactly. I have a good idea and I know what God doesn't want me to be...as I am right now- a bit self pittying and in grief. I feel more alone than I have felt in years, it is reminiscent of a life that I previously led - then I didn't even know I was lonely and feeling alone...now I am hyper aware and I just gotta make sure that I continue to foster the positive messages rather than the negative...

My committment tonight...no matter how dark and long...is to pray and meditate and attract love....I can make it through...I know I can. All I have to do is make it through tonight...that is not impossible...